"The Four Little Pigs Series" LbNA #20353
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Add Location| Owner: | N/A |
|---|---|
| Plant date: | Feb 4, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| City: | Phillipsburg |
| County: | Phillips |
| State: | Kansas |
| Boxes: | 4 |
| Planted by: | Rad Rhymer
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|---|---|
| Found by: | Eidolon (4) |
| Last found: | Oct 5, 2014 |
| Status: | FFFFF |
| Last edited: | Oct 13, 2015 |
THESE CLUES HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT REVISED:
Once upon a time there were these four little pigs. Yeah, yeah, I know! There’s only supposed to be three little pigs, but those pigs had a sister that nobody ever heard about until now. Anyhow, they lived in a pig pen with their mother. Now, I don’t mean to be insulting or anything, but their mother should have joined Weight Watchers, ‘cause she definitely resembled a big, fat sow. In fact, that’s what she was. A big, fat sow. Anyhow, one fine day, the old sow sat her four little piggies down and had a heart to heart talk with them. She patted them each on the head, gave them a kiss, and then she sweetly and tenderly told them, in her usual gentle manner, “Hey, you lazy little mud wallowers! It’s high time you got your fat little piggy butts outa my house and go find a place of your own to live. I’m fixin’ to get hitched next week to ol’ Snortimore Hogwash what lives a couple miles down the road.”
“Aw, gee!” grunted the four little pigs, in unison. Ol’ Snortimore’s no fun! In fact, he’s a real bore!”
“That’s what I’m lookin’ for,” replied Ma Pig. “A real boar.”
Well, those four little pigs weren’t exactly enthused over this news, but, having no choice in the matter, they packed up their meager belongings and took off down the road.
The first little pig, (his name was Hamlet) happened to spy a bunch of straw on some dude’s garden, “Hey! I’m gonna build me a house outa that there straw,” he said, and he gathered it all up and built himself a neat little straw cottage. Wow! Was he lucky to find that straw! Of course, that ol’ dude’s tomato plants froze, but, who’s problem was that?
Well then, the second little pig (his name was Link) happened to walk by a lumber yard, and he discovered a pile of old boards out back. They looked like they’d be perfect for building a nice little wooden house, so he said to himself, “Those boards look like they’d be perfect for building a nice little wooden house!” Then, he loaded them up, dragged them into a nice clearing and built himself a nice little wooden house.
Now the third little pig’s name was Lard. He was a little smarter than his two brothers, and he decided he wanted a brick house, so he knocked down the neighbor’s brick outhouse and ripped off all the bricks. He really didn’t need that many, but he took them anyhow, ‘cause he was a big pig.
Well, the girl pig’s name was Pinky. Cute little thing, pink with a curly tail, but sorta fat like her mama. Anyhow, she said, “Hmmmmph! What the heck am I supposed to build MY house out of? You big hogs took all the straw, wood and bricks!” However, being a clever little porker, she built herself the cutest house of all! It was made out of tin! Tore the tin roof off a chicken house.
Well, here’s where the wolf comes in. His name was Sam. That ol’ son-of-a-gun lived in the forest and he loved to eat! He was especially fond of pork! Seems he saw in the National Inquirer where Mrs. Pig kicked those four pigs of hers out, so he figured maybe they were good for a chop or two, or maybe a nice pork roast. He thought it was worth a try, so off he went. First he came to Hamlets house, and he yelled, “Hey, kid! I’m fixin’ to huff and puff and blow your straw house clear into the next county. Then I’m gonna eat you!” With that, he took a deep breath, and blew just as hard as he could, and “kaplooie!” Straw went everywhere, and poor Hamlet ran out of the house with his trousers half down, and a roll of toilet paper in his hand. That’s the trouble with unexpected guests. They can come at the darndest times! However, Hamlet could run faster than that ol’ wolf, even with his pants down, and he raced off into the woods and disappeared before the wolf could catch him!
“Well, this totally sucks!” muttered the wolf, plumb out of breath, but he trudged on down the path until he came to Link’s nice little wooden house. “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your nice little wooden house all to smithereens!” he yelled. Well, he drew in another deep breath and he huffed and he puffed. Nothing happened. “Man!” the ol’ wolf said to himself, “Gotta cut down on those cigarettes!” Then he tried it again, and this time he blew the windows right out of that nice little wooden house. However, Link was rather speedy himself, and he zipped out of that nice little wooden house with an egg beater in his hand, and he also disappeared into the woods before the wolf could catch him. Luckily, that ol’ wolf had a bit of arthritis in his front left knee.
“##**&&&%%%????##@@###!!!!” muttered the wolf.
Well, that left just two lousy pigs, and the ol’ wolf’s stomach was beginning to growl, so off he went to blow Lard’s house down. Well, now I know what you’re thinking. He couldn’t blow down the brick house. Right? WRONG! He huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed some more, and all at once the whole roof caved in and bricks went rollin’ ever’ which way! That ol’ wolf had more hot air in him than a blow dryer! It seems Lard was taking a shower, and he streaked out of that house with nothing on but a shower cap. He took off for the woods too, before the wolf had a chance to get his eyesight back!
Well, now that wolf was down to one pig, and he was desperate, so off he went to Pinky’s house. She was sitting there in the living room watching TV, so he stuck his head in the window and yelled, “Hey, Lady! I’m gonna turn your house into a pile of tin, then I’m gonna catch you and have sausage and pickled pig’s feet for supper!”
“That’s nice,” replied Pinky, not taking her eyes off, “The Young and the Restless.”
Well, the wolf huffed and puffed. Then he huffed and puffed again. Then he huffed and puffed again. Then he huffed and puffed…….well, you get the picture! He couldn’t blow that tin house down to save his hind leg! So much for brick houses! I’ll take a tin one any old day! Well, that ol’ wolf finally climbed up on the roof and jumped down the chimney. Now, that was NOT a smart move. Pinky had a pot of lima beans boiling on the fire in her fireplace, and when he plopped down into that pot, beans flew everywhere! That ticked ol’ Pinky off good, so she shoved a mop in his hands and said, “You clean that mess up this minute, or you’ll know exactly what this mop tastes like!” Well, needless to say, he cleaned up the mess, and after that, she made him vacuum the carpet, dust the furniture, wash the dishes and clean the oven. However, when she tried to wash his face with spit on a hanky, he tore out of the door and headed for the woods! Never knew ol’ Sam could run so fast! So much for his arthritis!
Well, it so happens, Pinky was quite a marksman, (or maybe I should say, markspig.) Anyhow, her snout was a little out of joint ‘cause that ol’ wolf ran out on her like that, so she gets out her trusty ol’ six-shooter and shoots that cowardly wolf smack dab in the head, and he falls over, deader’n a dadgummed skunk! Then, she drags his ornery ol’ carcass home and dumps him into that pot of beans, bakes some cornbread, and has Sam and beans for supper.
Well, when Pinky’s brothers saw that her tin house was still standing, they decided she wasn’t so dumb after all and they proceeded to build themselves some tin houses too. So now they all live in tin houses, there in the same little neck of the woods.
As for the newlyweds, Ma Pig and Snortimore, they are gloriously happy! All day long they hug and kiss and hold hands. They never fight. They never argue. They wait on each other hand and foot. They nibble on each others ears and scratch each other’s back. Makes you wanna puke.
Now, being a curious sort, (not nosy, mind you, just curious) I was dying to see those four tin houses, so one day I ran into Pinky at “The Pig-out Cafe,” and I asked her if I could come visit them someday. She just sort of grunted, but she wrote down the directions and handed them to me. They’re all pretty clear, except for the last one. Being a pig and all, she wrote the directions to her own house in Pig Latin.
Anyhow, in case you’re nosy too….oops…let me re-word that. In case you have a hankering to see those houses too, I’ll share the directions with you. Here they are. I’m sure you’ll be attracted to those houses like a magnet!
Go north down Highway 183, toward Phillipsburg. Turn west at the sign on the left side of the highway that says, “Phillips County Medical Clinic.” Park in the Medical Clinic parking lot south of the clinic. Walk south to the Millennium Trail sign, then follow the trail. You’ll soon come to a nice park bench where you can spit out your chewin’ tobacco, and then sit down and rest awhile. Okay, that’s long enough! Now, get your rear up and get movin’! Take the trail leading south, crossing the concrete bridge. You’ll see two roads, one going north and one going south. You’ll probably be wondering which one to take. Well, it don’t much matter. You’ll come out just the same, so suit yourself. Follow the circle path until you start getting dizzy, but don't stop. Just keep going.
Now, travel on and on ‘round the circle until you end up goin’ over the concrete bridge again. Kinda like chasin’ your tail, huh? Turn right and keep on truckin’! Just before you come out at the end of the trail onto the asphalt road, take a gander on the right side. There’s some old, rusty implements out there in the weeds and sticks. Get a move on and go investigate! See the old 2-row planter/lister? See that adorable little rusty pot with a lid on it? Hard tellin’ what kind of a creature’s lurking inside there! Could be a rat, or a snake,….maybe a skunk! Yep! It takes guts to open that lid, but if you don’t, you ain’t gonna find Link’s house anytime soon!
Now, right close by is another old relic. I think they call it a side delivery rake. Do you see the driver wheel cog? What’s a driver wheel cog, you say? Well, don’t ask me! I’m no farmer, but I’ve been told it’s that round doohickey with those little thingies stickin’ out all around the outside. Anyhow, Lard’s house sets just above that funny looking thingamajig.
Okay, now, you see that big old yellow implement settin' there to the southeast sorta? Not a real pretty thing, but I didn't bring you here to admire the scenery. Go to the north end of it and then around to the side that's next to the stream. There's a tree there, and that silly looking machine has a thingamajig stickin' up there in the air? If you don't know what it's called, ask a farmer. That's what I did. He said, "That's an auger spout, Stupid!" Well, there on that so-called "auger spout stupid" you'll see an X. You've heard the expression, X marks the spot? Well, there's a reason for that. Reach behind the X and you'll find Hamlet's house.
Now for Pinky’s house. Go back around to the other side and follow her clues if you can.
Ooklay orfay omethingsay ellowyay. Ethay eetstray amenay isway Inneapolismay Olinemay. Ethay amenay isway esidebay ethay oundray olehay. Ickstay ouryay andhay insideway ethay olehay. Inkypay iveslay upstairsway, osay eachray ighhay!
Oodgay ucklay!
P.S. If you don’t know how to speak or read Pig-Latin, get help from some highly educated genius who’s been trained to speak intelligent languages like that.
P.S. Do you wonder why I took you clear around the loop instead of starting you at this end? Well, after all, this is a walking trail and it's good for your health!!!
Once upon a time there were these four little pigs. Yeah, yeah, I know! There’s only supposed to be three little pigs, but those pigs had a sister that nobody ever heard about until now. Anyhow, they lived in a pig pen with their mother. Now, I don’t mean to be insulting or anything, but their mother should have joined Weight Watchers, ‘cause she definitely resembled a big, fat sow. In fact, that’s what she was. A big, fat sow. Anyhow, one fine day, the old sow sat her four little piggies down and had a heart to heart talk with them. She patted them each on the head, gave them a kiss, and then she sweetly and tenderly told them, in her usual gentle manner, “Hey, you lazy little mud wallowers! It’s high time you got your fat little piggy butts outa my house and go find a place of your own to live. I’m fixin’ to get hitched next week to ol’ Snortimore Hogwash what lives a couple miles down the road.”
“Aw, gee!” grunted the four little pigs, in unison. Ol’ Snortimore’s no fun! In fact, he’s a real bore!”
“That’s what I’m lookin’ for,” replied Ma Pig. “A real boar.”
Well, those four little pigs weren’t exactly enthused over this news, but, having no choice in the matter, they packed up their meager belongings and took off down the road.
The first little pig, (his name was Hamlet) happened to spy a bunch of straw on some dude’s garden, “Hey! I’m gonna build me a house outa that there straw,” he said, and he gathered it all up and built himself a neat little straw cottage. Wow! Was he lucky to find that straw! Of course, that ol’ dude’s tomato plants froze, but, who’s problem was that?
Well then, the second little pig (his name was Link) happened to walk by a lumber yard, and he discovered a pile of old boards out back. They looked like they’d be perfect for building a nice little wooden house, so he said to himself, “Those boards look like they’d be perfect for building a nice little wooden house!” Then, he loaded them up, dragged them into a nice clearing and built himself a nice little wooden house.
Now the third little pig’s name was Lard. He was a little smarter than his two brothers, and he decided he wanted a brick house, so he knocked down the neighbor’s brick outhouse and ripped off all the bricks. He really didn’t need that many, but he took them anyhow, ‘cause he was a big pig.
Well, the girl pig’s name was Pinky. Cute little thing, pink with a curly tail, but sorta fat like her mama. Anyhow, she said, “Hmmmmph! What the heck am I supposed to build MY house out of? You big hogs took all the straw, wood and bricks!” However, being a clever little porker, she built herself the cutest house of all! It was made out of tin! Tore the tin roof off a chicken house.
Well, here’s where the wolf comes in. His name was Sam. That ol’ son-of-a-gun lived in the forest and he loved to eat! He was especially fond of pork! Seems he saw in the National Inquirer where Mrs. Pig kicked those four pigs of hers out, so he figured maybe they were good for a chop or two, or maybe a nice pork roast. He thought it was worth a try, so off he went. First he came to Hamlets house, and he yelled, “Hey, kid! I’m fixin’ to huff and puff and blow your straw house clear into the next county. Then I’m gonna eat you!” With that, he took a deep breath, and blew just as hard as he could, and “kaplooie!” Straw went everywhere, and poor Hamlet ran out of the house with his trousers half down, and a roll of toilet paper in his hand. That’s the trouble with unexpected guests. They can come at the darndest times! However, Hamlet could run faster than that ol’ wolf, even with his pants down, and he raced off into the woods and disappeared before the wolf could catch him!
“Well, this totally sucks!” muttered the wolf, plumb out of breath, but he trudged on down the path until he came to Link’s nice little wooden house. “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your nice little wooden house all to smithereens!” he yelled. Well, he drew in another deep breath and he huffed and he puffed. Nothing happened. “Man!” the ol’ wolf said to himself, “Gotta cut down on those cigarettes!” Then he tried it again, and this time he blew the windows right out of that nice little wooden house. However, Link was rather speedy himself, and he zipped out of that nice little wooden house with an egg beater in his hand, and he also disappeared into the woods before the wolf could catch him. Luckily, that ol’ wolf had a bit of arthritis in his front left knee.
“##**&&&%%%????##@@###!!!!” muttered the wolf.
Well, that left just two lousy pigs, and the ol’ wolf’s stomach was beginning to growl, so off he went to blow Lard’s house down. Well, now I know what you’re thinking. He couldn’t blow down the brick house. Right? WRONG! He huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed some more, and all at once the whole roof caved in and bricks went rollin’ ever’ which way! That ol’ wolf had more hot air in him than a blow dryer! It seems Lard was taking a shower, and he streaked out of that house with nothing on but a shower cap. He took off for the woods too, before the wolf had a chance to get his eyesight back!
Well, now that wolf was down to one pig, and he was desperate, so off he went to Pinky’s house. She was sitting there in the living room watching TV, so he stuck his head in the window and yelled, “Hey, Lady! I’m gonna turn your house into a pile of tin, then I’m gonna catch you and have sausage and pickled pig’s feet for supper!”
“That’s nice,” replied Pinky, not taking her eyes off, “The Young and the Restless.”
Well, the wolf huffed and puffed. Then he huffed and puffed again. Then he huffed and puffed again. Then he huffed and puffed…….well, you get the picture! He couldn’t blow that tin house down to save his hind leg! So much for brick houses! I’ll take a tin one any old day! Well, that ol’ wolf finally climbed up on the roof and jumped down the chimney. Now, that was NOT a smart move. Pinky had a pot of lima beans boiling on the fire in her fireplace, and when he plopped down into that pot, beans flew everywhere! That ticked ol’ Pinky off good, so she shoved a mop in his hands and said, “You clean that mess up this minute, or you’ll know exactly what this mop tastes like!” Well, needless to say, he cleaned up the mess, and after that, she made him vacuum the carpet, dust the furniture, wash the dishes and clean the oven. However, when she tried to wash his face with spit on a hanky, he tore out of the door and headed for the woods! Never knew ol’ Sam could run so fast! So much for his arthritis!
Well, it so happens, Pinky was quite a marksman, (or maybe I should say, markspig.) Anyhow, her snout was a little out of joint ‘cause that ol’ wolf ran out on her like that, so she gets out her trusty ol’ six-shooter and shoots that cowardly wolf smack dab in the head, and he falls over, deader’n a dadgummed skunk! Then, she drags his ornery ol’ carcass home and dumps him into that pot of beans, bakes some cornbread, and has Sam and beans for supper.
Well, when Pinky’s brothers saw that her tin house was still standing, they decided she wasn’t so dumb after all and they proceeded to build themselves some tin houses too. So now they all live in tin houses, there in the same little neck of the woods.
As for the newlyweds, Ma Pig and Snortimore, they are gloriously happy! All day long they hug and kiss and hold hands. They never fight. They never argue. They wait on each other hand and foot. They nibble on each others ears and scratch each other’s back. Makes you wanna puke.
Now, being a curious sort, (not nosy, mind you, just curious) I was dying to see those four tin houses, so one day I ran into Pinky at “The Pig-out Cafe,” and I asked her if I could come visit them someday. She just sort of grunted, but she wrote down the directions and handed them to me. They’re all pretty clear, except for the last one. Being a pig and all, she wrote the directions to her own house in Pig Latin.
Anyhow, in case you’re nosy too….oops…let me re-word that. In case you have a hankering to see those houses too, I’ll share the directions with you. Here they are. I’m sure you’ll be attracted to those houses like a magnet!
Go north down Highway 183, toward Phillipsburg. Turn west at the sign on the left side of the highway that says, “Phillips County Medical Clinic.” Park in the Medical Clinic parking lot south of the clinic. Walk south to the Millennium Trail sign, then follow the trail. You’ll soon come to a nice park bench where you can spit out your chewin’ tobacco, and then sit down and rest awhile. Okay, that’s long enough! Now, get your rear up and get movin’! Take the trail leading south, crossing the concrete bridge. You’ll see two roads, one going north and one going south. You’ll probably be wondering which one to take. Well, it don’t much matter. You’ll come out just the same, so suit yourself. Follow the circle path until you start getting dizzy, but don't stop. Just keep going.
Now, travel on and on ‘round the circle until you end up goin’ over the concrete bridge again. Kinda like chasin’ your tail, huh? Turn right and keep on truckin’! Just before you come out at the end of the trail onto the asphalt road, take a gander on the right side. There’s some old, rusty implements out there in the weeds and sticks. Get a move on and go investigate! See the old 2-row planter/lister? See that adorable little rusty pot with a lid on it? Hard tellin’ what kind of a creature’s lurking inside there! Could be a rat, or a snake,….maybe a skunk! Yep! It takes guts to open that lid, but if you don’t, you ain’t gonna find Link’s house anytime soon!
Now, right close by is another old relic. I think they call it a side delivery rake. Do you see the driver wheel cog? What’s a driver wheel cog, you say? Well, don’t ask me! I’m no farmer, but I’ve been told it’s that round doohickey with those little thingies stickin’ out all around the outside. Anyhow, Lard’s house sets just above that funny looking thingamajig.
Okay, now, you see that big old yellow implement settin' there to the southeast sorta? Not a real pretty thing, but I didn't bring you here to admire the scenery. Go to the north end of it and then around to the side that's next to the stream. There's a tree there, and that silly looking machine has a thingamajig stickin' up there in the air? If you don't know what it's called, ask a farmer. That's what I did. He said, "That's an auger spout, Stupid!" Well, there on that so-called "auger spout stupid" you'll see an X. You've heard the expression, X marks the spot? Well, there's a reason for that. Reach behind the X and you'll find Hamlet's house.
Now for Pinky’s house. Go back around to the other side and follow her clues if you can.
Ooklay orfay omethingsay ellowyay. Ethay eetstray amenay isway Inneapolismay Olinemay. Ethay amenay isway esidebay ethay oundray olehay. Ickstay ouryay andhay insideway ethay olehay. Inkypay iveslay upstairsway, osay eachray ighhay!
Oodgay ucklay!
P.S. If you don’t know how to speak or read Pig-Latin, get help from some highly educated genius who’s been trained to speak intelligent languages like that.
P.S. Do you wonder why I took you clear around the loop instead of starting you at this end? Well, after all, this is a walking trail and it's good for your health!!!