Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe LbNA # 18457
|Placed Date||Oct 2 2005|
|Last Update||Aug 18 2006|
Alas! Some hard-hearted person evicted this poor old lady and her twenty-six kids from the boot they were living in. As of now, they are searching for a new home. When it is found, you will be notified.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe with her twenty-six kids. Wow! That shoe was a zoo! That poor woman was frantic, and you would be too, having twenty-six noses to wipe!
And there wasn’t just kids living there in that shoe! There was also a rat and an old hedgehog too, plus a dog they called Champ, and a frog known as Pooh, and a parrot perched on the stove pipe!
There was Mildred, the hen, with her nest on the couch, and a hamster named Barney, with gum in his pouch,and an old Billy goat, who was sort of a grouch 'cause he had a dart stuck in his hip.
There was also an owl and a dozen goldfish, and a cat on the dining room table, named Tish, with her feet in the midst of a large relish dish, quite contentedly eating the dip.
That whole place was a mess! Kids were playing leapfrog, throwing nuts at each other and shaving the dog, and the baby just sat like a bump on a log, gaily stuffing Play Doh up her nose.
Mary Ellen was sitting on top of Elaine. Linda Lou shoved a Popsicle stick down the drain. Poor Elvira was screaming and howling in pain. She had rubber bands wound ‘round her toes!
Little Lucy was crying. Her eyes were all red, ‘cause Todd said, “There's a boogey man under your bed!" VCR’s on the blink, ‘cause Matt stuffed it with bread, and Luanna cut
holes in her socks.
Billy Bob smeared grape jelly all over his feet. Little Tommy kicked Maynard smack dab in the seat, and Charlene was stark naked out there in the street. Stuffed her clothes in the corner mailbox.
Bobby Joe dumped the little white rat in the tub. Judy polished the dresser with Vicks Vaporub. Alexander was swatting flies with a golf club, and the dog barfed all over the rug.
Melissa was tossing the frog in the air. Marie had a marshmallow stuck in her hair, and Anita was sitting close by on a chair, calmly eating a Box Elder bug.
There were toys strewn all over the living room floor, macaroni and cheese on the side of the door, scrambled eggs dumped inside of a cabinet drawer, and Spaghetti O’s there on the mat.
There were grapes in the hall, plus an old dried up pear, and a dozen spit wads on the ceiling up there, plus a slightly squished plum at the foot of the stair, and ketchup all over the cat!
There was no place to stand! There was no place to sit! That old shoe was so packed, there was no place to spit! It was time for a change, ‘cause that shoe didn’t fit! Just too much for that whole rowdy clan!
There were beds in the closets and beds in the john, and a king-size four-poster out there on the lawn, plus a roll-a-way cot that the baby slept on. They were packed like sardines in a can!
Now, perhaps you’ve been thinking it doesn’t seem right, with a shoe full of kids and no husband in sight. You might think that old woman just wasn’t too bright, but there’s something you haven’t heard yet.
She was married one time to a dude known as Bert, but he said something wrong, and I guess she was hurt. All he said was, “I think you’re a great lover, Gert,” but that old woman’s name was Jeanette!
Well, old Bert, bless his buttons, tried hard to make up, so he bought her some chocolate bonbons in a cup, and he gave her a cute little French Poodle pup. He was scared she would give him the boot!
He tried to convince her that he was sincere. Took her out to McDonalds, then bought her a beer, and he buttered her up like a dang roasting ear, so she finally forgave the old coot.
Then one day, that French Poodle, the darn little mutt, sunk his sharp little teeth in that old woman’s butt, so she got out her gun and yelled, “I’ll fix that nut!” Then she shot him smack dab in the head!
That old woman was in such a very bad mood that I fear she became just a little unglued. She got out her old shovel and buried that dude in the midst of her small flower bed.
“Well, that’s it,” she exclaimed, when she finished her chore. “I won’t have to put up with that critter no more!” Now, he’s pushin’ up daisies outside the front door, six feet under a big mound of dirt.
Nobody’s the wiser, and she won’t confess, ‘cause she seems to have no guilty conscience, I guess. To be truthful, that old woman couldn’t care less, but that dog really misses old Bert!
Well, one day that old woman came home from the store, and she stepped on a roller skate there on the floor, then she zipped ‘cross the room and she shouted and swore when the eggs she was carrying went, "Splat!"
Wow! That woman was mad when those eggs hit the wall! There were yolks splattered everywhere, eggshells and all! Then, she slipped in the mess and it caused her to fall, and she landed on top of the cat!
Well, that made the cat mad, and her loud, angry yowl scared the dog half to death and he started to howl, and he made such a racket, he startled the owl, who took off and flew into the mirror.
This in turn, scared the goat and he butted the hen, and her feathers went flying all over the den, and the parrot kept squawking, “Hey, belly up, men! It’s party time! Bring on the beer!”
Well, that’s it!” yelled the woman. “I’m moving this clan!” Then she packed all their clothes in a huge garbage can, shoved all twenty-six kids in her rusty old van, and she quickly took off with her load.
Out of Phillipsburg, Kansas, that old woman sped. Going east, she kept traveling, full speed ahead, straight down 36 Highway she hurriedly fled, on to Gretna, five miles down the road.
She turned north at 600 Road, slowed just a mite, crossed the overpass bridge to see what was in sight, saw a grain elevator which stood on her right, then her poor old heart nearly stood still!
On the west, was a fence row, which stretched far ahead, and each post wore an upside down boot on it’s head! “It’s a regular city!” the old woman said, “I think they should call it, Bootville!
She drove one more half-mile, going slow as a snail, closely scanning those boots, every little detail, then she turned to the west on a road called, E. Quail, passed the corner post next to it’s brace.
There it was! Her dream mansion...her joy and her pride on the third wooden fence post there on the north side. It didn’t take long for that gal to decide, she had finally found the right place!
Well, she leaped from that van in a terrible toot, and she raced to that fence like a bull from a chute, and she started to check out that wonderful boot! Then she yelled, “This is it! Hip Hooray!”
She inspected the heel! She inspected the toe! She inspected above and inspected below. She made sure it would keep out the rain and the snow, then she sprayed that whole boot with foot spray!
It was plain, that old woman was pleased with the place! “It’s just perfect!” she cried, with a smile on her face. “It’s in very good shape and there’s plenty of space!” Then, she whistled and gave a loud shout.
“Come on kids!” she exclaimed. “Let’s all make a mad dash! I have found us a wonderful place we can crash! It’s our home from now on!” Then, as quick as a flash, from that van the whole gang tumbled out.
Here came twenty-six kids and a croaky old frog, a half naked hen and a slightly bald dog, plus a small, gum-logged hamster, a cranky hedgehog, and a rat, thoroughly soaked to the skin.
Then, from ‘round a far corner, the old goat appeared with a grape-flavored Gummy Bear stuck in his beard, and an owl with his beak flattened out really weird, and a red cat with dip on her chin.
Things were soon back to normal. In bounded old Champ, and he chased the red cat and knocked over the lamp. The baby threw up and her britches were damp, and the kids tore around like wild apes!
The cat ate the goldfish back there on the road, and somewhere ‘long the way, Tommy picked up a toad. Peggy Sue flushed a screwdriver down the commode, and the goat started eating the drapes.
Joleen scraped her elbow. Coleen cut her hand. LeRoy grabbed a ball bat and clobbered Bertrand. Meg found the black shoe polish there on a stand, and she smeared it all over her dress.
Bernice threw a shoe at her twin sister, Beth, and it hit the white rat. Scared the poor thing to death! The old parrot was muttering under his breath, “How the #&@% did I get in this mess!”
Yep! Nothing much changed, but don’t snicker or scoff, ‘cause those folks are as happy as hogs in a trough, living here in the state with the corner broke off. You can visit them…..go right ahead!
But, I’m warning you people, it isn’t too bright, to go anywhere near that old boot in daylight. In fact, you just might want to wait ‘til midnight, when you’re sure all the kids are in bed!